Sorry, but this is a rant. But fuck it I'm drunk. Love sucks, but at the same time it doesn't. I honestly don't know anymore. I wish I were done ranting about being broken hearted. Not here of course because it's the first time I've mentioned it.
I opened up the floodgates of how I feel, and now I don't think I can turn it off. I long for the days where I kept it inside. Because at least then I knew that all the shit that I kept in didn't threaten to push away people that I care about. But will what I think and say do such a thing? Fuck I don't know. It could just be self-destructive thought in my head. I'm paranoid like that.
Back on point. I like that I at least got to know what love felt like. But was it? No sure of that either. Becuase I always thought that when you loved someone you held onto that spark. My grandparents did. They had their problems, but they stayed together for sixty-five years. I based my perception of long-term relationships on that.
Am I wrong? Because, with my situation I was told "Hey we had a good run, I tried for four years. But it's gone. I want to grow on my own, and love myself." It was explained to me that trying for four years was a long time. And I get it, My growth as a person seems slower because of the route that I choose. I just want to say one thing. I don't think four years is very long. Not in the grand scheme of things. Four years is nothing. Time will go by, and that four years will seem like a far off memory. Might take ten years, might take twenty or thirty. But the result is the same. In the end. That, four years will turn into an insignificant blip in the time stream of your life.
Yeah. I don't have what you have. Because I picked a harder path with more ambition, and I feel like I'm being punished for it. Sigh I wish I didn't feel these things, and I'm sorry for the rant. Everything just seems to be spiraling now, and the only thing that gives me comfort is the sound of each key on my laptop. And a dream to be better. If not for that I would have fully slipped into depression If I haven't already. Having long distance friends that I can play with and talk to over a good ole' game of League Of Legends helps, but after the game ends and the call finishes. It always seems like a temporary fix.
At this point, I feel like I either need unhealthy amounts of whiskey or depression pills. But I won't let myself slip down that rabbit hole. Can't afford to lose the brain cells. The manuscript matters too much to me, and I need to be as sharp as possible in order to see it all the way to the end.
But what do I want? Well, this finished and going somewhere of course, but beside that I want a long-lasting, meaningful relationship with someone who can accept all my bullshit and flaws. Is that really so hard? Do I ask too much? Or is paranoia and depression really just starting to get to me. I don't know. You tell me.
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